The Toxicity Behind Your Partner Never Apologizing (& What You Can Do About It)
Human relationships are complex, and romantic relationships are even more complicated and require a lot of work to remain healthy. When you're with your partner, you're at your most vulnerable, letting your guard down, baring your soul, and, yes, making many mistakes. Owning up to our mistakes, recognizing how they impact our partner's feelings, apologizing, and trying to correct them, are paramount in ensuring the relationship thrives and both partners feel valued and appreciated.
In the American Psychological Association "Speaking of Psychology" podcast, associate professor of psychology and chair of the social psychology program at the University of Pittsburgh Dr. Karina Schumann, Ph.D. said, "... apologies are one of the most powerful tools that people can use in their lives to smooth over their relationships, whether it's for a small little insult, or joke that was unintentionally harmful, or for something really major and severe that can destroy a relationship. Apologies have been known to be really, really powerful in terms of repairing the relationship, helping people get on track, and really being the start of a longer process of reconciliation for some of those more severe offenses."
Despite the significance of apologizing for one's mistakes, some people find it hard to apologize, and when they do, they may simply offer an insincere "sorry you got upset." However, when these words of reconciliation aren't truly meant, genuinely accepting the apology as the wronged partner feels difficult. And because apologies, as Schumann explains, "really go a long way to show concern, to show that you care about the relationship, about the person, that you want to make things right," a relationship where one partner never apologizes can be toxic.
Why won't they just apologize?
Sometimes, a heartfelt apology is all you need to put things behind you and lovingly move forth with your partner. Nevertheless, some people find it very hard to apologize. According to Dr. Harriet Lerner, author of the book "Why Won't You Apologize: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts," people may be unable to offer an apology for several reasons (via Psychology Today). These may come down to your partner being a perfectionist or feeling "too much shame" to apologize. Lerner emphasizes that it actually requires "fairly decent self-esteem" to recognize when you've done the wrong thing and say sorry for it.
When your partner doesn't apologize, feelings of resentment settle in. You may feel bitter toward your partner who didn't own up to their mistakes and begin doubting your self-worth. Are my feelings not significant? Am I not important? You may even begin to question your partner's motives and wonder whether their behavior was justified or whether you're responsible for it. Eventually, anger and sadness may take over, leading the relationship to deteriorate. Ultimately, your partner never apologizing can be one of those relationship issues that can't be fixed, no matter how many honest discussions you have with them or how hard you try to make them see how you feel.
What should you do when your partner won't apologize?
According to a 2020 research study published in BMC Psychology, forgiving people who harmed us positively impacts our emotional, psychological, and physical well-being. There are two ways you can forgive: decisional and emotional forgiveness. The former involves forgiveness on a physical level where you actively replace negative behaviors toward your partner with positive behaviors but don't necessarily change your feelings. The latter involves replacing negative feelings with positive ones. The results of a 2019 study published in Frontiers in Psychology suggest that emotional forgiveness is particularly powerful when restoring a relationship because of its cognitive effect.
So, how do you achieve emotional forgiveness? By practicing love, kindness, and empathy and shifting your focus to the present, not the past. If you ruminate on mistakes, you allow the past to impact your present. Plus, you focus too much on your partner instead of yourself. Take ownership of your feelings, and take time to process what you feel and why. In doing so, you may discover that your reaction may not be justified, which may, in turn, help you accept your own possible mistakes in the fallout.
However, depending on the transgression, forgiveness may not always be possible. In fact, forgiving and forgetting can actually be a toxic way to handle a conflict, especially in cases of infidelity. In this case, you need to accept the situation to move forward. Accepting the situation doesn't mean you agree with it; it simply means you recognize this is how things are, embrace your emotions, and view the present situation without judgment, whether you decide to salvage the relationship or not.